Executive Coaching with ‘What if?’
Regrets, Paralysis, and the Learning Edge
by Beth Masterman, President – Masterman Executive Coaching, Inc.
Alex walked into the room and sat down with a bright smile that soon faded to a look of concern. “How would you like to use our time together today?” I asked. Alex responded, “I am really struggling with my new direct report because she talks to me in what I think is an incredibly unprofessional way. We are short on people, her work is good, and she is needed now; my hands are tied. Still, I am her boss and I’m put off by her attitude! I went into her office, she looked up at me and snapped, ‘I’m so busy! How can I possibly take on more now? I’m still doing all the things you already gave me!’ I stood speechless, like frozen, and then walked out. I don’t know what to do. Something has to change.”
The coaching session could go in many directions from here, but in this piece let’s just consider the question “what if.” Coaches are trained to ask powerful questions to elicit responses that raise awareness, lead to incremental next-steps, and the achievement of desired results.
When used well in coaching, “what if” takes a client to their learning edge and supports confident action. “What if” also activates intuitive intelligence, breathing new dimension into the challenge. However, when used incorrectly, “what if” can highlight regrets about the past, may reinforce whatever is in the way of progress, and can choke off the promise of new insight.
The Learning Edge
“What if she spoke to you in a professional way, what would that look like?”
Asking “what if” takes you from the mindset of fixed opinions and conclusions to an awareness of other options and possibilities. By activating the intuitive mind “what if” allows you to play with ideas and keeps you from getting bogged down in rational analyzation.[1] Alex’s paralyzing emotional reaction to her direct report’s words made me curious about what “professional’ and “unprofessional” mean to Alex. “What if she spoke to you in a professional way, what would that look like?” invites Alex to examine her assumptions and expectations. Through answering the question Alex may be reminded that expectations between people are – in most cases – subjective. To inspire curiosity and ignite learning, this ‘what if’ question invites the client to reevaluate the situation, thought habits, and the ‘theories’ she carries with her about how things should proceed. Alex can develop emotional agility[2] to help her maintain composure and a separation among what is happening, how she feels, and how she will choose to behave. As a composed leader, she could use the moment to find out more about Alex and provide meaningful mentorship, instead of fleeing while feeling personally offended.
When small details about a difficult experience and one’s state of mind are isolated and explored, the client becomes aware of the ways in which they have participated in creating their own experience. When expectations are so fixed that they become unconscious habits, we begin to assume that we know how situations will or should play out. Coaches can elicit the self-reflection that prompts continued development toward greater leadership.
Now let’s look at unhelpful ‘what if’ questions that foment regret or reinforce fear.
Regrets
“What if it were possible for you to have seen this quality in her during her initial job interview?”
The focus of coaching is to open up the mind to address the here-and-now and use it as a springboard to a desirable future; a ‘what if’ question that asks a client to alter or judge their past is not helpful. “What if it were possible for you to have seen this quality in her during her initial job interview?” blames the uncomfortable present on a decision that was made at another time. If Alex had known that she would have ended up in this situation, she surely would not have hired that employee! This ‘what if’ pulls the client into defensiveness, shame, blame, regret, and into the past.
A question that focuses on the here-and-now experience might be: “You said you felt speechless. What if you were to speak? What would you say?” This question specifically targets the observable behavior that robbed Alex of her leadership. The question encourages Alex to formulate viable alternatives to speechlessness and to see things from a point of view other than indignation. By articulating for herself what would also be possible, she begins to expand her repertoire, and her ability to choose how to show up. Every struggle offers us opportunities to choose our reactions and bring about the most desirable outcome from among the multitude of potential outcomes.
Paralysis
“What if you told her to stop being unprofessional?”
With this ‘what if’ the coach jumps straight into the client’s drama. “What if you told her to stop being unprofessional?” asks Alex to imagine fighting back and deprives her of a chance to notice difficult emotions as warning signs of growing discomfort. Once noticed, there is an opportunity to intentionally deescalate – practice self-acceptance and compassion – before indignation and paralysis set in and take over rational thought.
Pema Chödrön, a well-known American Buddhist and author, dedicates her life to service. She has observed:
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”[3]
Challenges that elicit inner discomfort are invitations to understand ourselves better so that we can step ever more confidently into what comes next. Good leaders develop the ability to be in conversation with their reactions before, during, and after experiences and encounters with others. Good leaders let their emotions inform them and do not let their emotions become who they without intention.
[1] Seale, Alan, Create a world that works, Tools for Personal & Global Transformation, 2011 Red Wheel/Weiser, Books: (Kindle edition page 129, Location 2411, 2415)
[2] David, Susan, PhD. EMOTIONAL AGILITY: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life (Avery, 2016, Hardcover & Ebook)
[3] https://pemachodronfoundation.org , https://www.shambhala.com/authors/a-f/pema-chodron.html.